Sometimes you need to give credit where credit is due. Tonight is one of those nights.
Back story: Carter was up a lot last night and was fussing off and on all night. I can hear each little fuss on the monitor so I was up most of the night too. We're not totally sure why he was up most of the night (maybe the last canine tooth about to poke through? or maybe an upset stomach?) Regardless Carter didn't sleep much and was cranky and pretty dang fussy today.
Bedtime came and we did bath and such without incident. Then I went to read him books and snuggle before putting him down to bed. It was going well and then all of a sudden he was frustrated with every book. I figured he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep so I got up and took him over by the crib. We rocked back and forth a bit and he went from fussing to full on crying. I tried to calm him and hug him but it wasn't working. I was physically not able to hold onto his 30lb squirmy and upset body for much longer. In addition my patience for his seemingly random crying were wearing very thin. I did what I could but in the end had to put him in his crib while he was still crying. I normally do not do this, but tonight I couldn't do anymore - physically or mentally.
As I walked out of Carter's room Joe was coming up the stairs - he had been watching us on the monitor - and asked if I needed anything. All I said was I couldn't do it anymore. He said "I know, I'll go in there." I went downstairs and watched on the monitor as Joe picked Carter up (who was still crying) and snuggled him and finally got him settled down. Then I watched as Joe laid Carter in his crib, got his blanket, elephant, and seahorse situated and rubbed Carter's head for a bit.
A few minutes later Joe came downstairs and I said "I'm sorry, I just couldn't do it anymore." Joe rubbed my shoulders and said "it's ok, I know".
Now he's outside organizing the garage and I'm sitting here reflecting on what just happened. My first thought was that I am so glad I'm not a single parent. I am so glad there are two of us. When one has reached their limit the other usually has more to give and can go and take over. I am so thankful that I am not a single parent and that Joe and I have each other to fall back on.
As I'm sitting there being thankful that there are two of us I'm also feeling incredibly guilty that I had reached my breaking point and had to put Carter down crying. It kills me to see him upset and knowing that I didn't have anything left to give and had to walk away makes me feel terrible. Absolutely terrible.
Then I realize that Joe completely accepted that I had reached the point where I couldn't give anything else. He didn't say anything negative or mean or give me a look that would have made me feel worse about it. He simply rubbed my shoulders and told me he understood. While I still feel guilty about the situation with Carter I also feel really thankful at the same time. It is hard to even explain. I feel so lucky to have a husband that I can fall back on when I need to step away. And I'm even more thankful that he's the kind of man that isn't going to make me feel worse about reaching my breaking point. He's not going to say "aww poor Carter, you should have just stuck it out..." (which I'll admit I probably would say to him) Seeing him totally accept my frustration and support me and not make me feel worse... amazing.
JoeTro, thank you. I hope the next time something like this happens to you that I can remember this moment and just support you and be there for you like you were for me. No judgement, just support. It makes me so happy that you're such a hands on dad and you don't even blink at the idea of stopping what you're doing to go and and grab Carter when he's upset. It makes me happy that when I can't calm him you can. You have your own little tricks for calming him and soothing him and I love that. It may drive me crazy that you'd feed him a cookie for breakfast but looking at the big picture a cookie for breakfast is nothing compared to what you did tonight. You're an amazing dad and an amazing husband and I love you. Thank you for being great.
